Well, it seems as if everything really does have an end. The stories, the lives of people unfold around me and then they end. Not all of them die, of course. But people come into my life, some for a long time and others not so much, and eventually they become ellipses on a piece of paper. Their stories, their new created memories don't happen, at least not to me. Does it ever feel like the people that you leave behind cease to be people anymore? I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling.
Jarrod passed away yesterday. Or the day before, I'm not sure which. And I don't know if I could call it "passing away"... he was murdered. In cold blood. He was shot in the head on the streets of Puerto Rico, a place that he loved. Jarrod Daniel Allende Carmona will never again take a breath, or see the colors of spring. I don't know how to feel about that. Of course, it's sad. It's always sad when someone dies. But it's always especially sad to see someone so young (he was 24) become a name in the paper and a headstone at a cemetery. I know he will be buried in Puerto Rico, I won't be able to visit his grave. I'm not even sure that I'd want to visit. I feel so horrible for his brothers and sisters, and for Rico, his dad. It's unsettling to think about, the idea of a father never being able to tell his son he loves him or go to his wedding. That's the part of this, I think, that makes me most sad. There is nothing that his family can do but deal with loss, whereas the rest of us who knew him in a residual was can be sad, possibly cry, and move on with our lives. It's a fucked up circle that Jarrod's family lives in now, and it won't stop. They don't get a break from their grief. It's very sad for them.
I don't know how I'm supposed to face my family at Thanksgiving this year. I'm so angry and also embarrassed to know them. I'm lost. I know mom will want to to make peace with them, but I don't think I want to. Laura and grandma have both avoided me completely since the incident, and I understand more and more why. There's only two reasons it could be: they either are feeling too guilty to say anything because they know I am right, or they just don't care at all and haven't put much other thought into it. Either way, I suppose I shouldn't be concerned. I only stated feelings that I have had for years now, and I still stand beside what I said, even if I stated it in the wrong place and the wrong time. I don't want to be surrounded by people who only make me feel insignificant and alone. I spent too much time on that.
I've also been feeling very... unimportant to Joe lately. Like, not unimportant altogether, just fallen by the wayside in all of the other problems he has going on. I don't think he much notices when I'm feeling down or having a bad day because his bad days have been so shitty lately. I totally understand, with his family situation an all, but it's left me feeling very alone and very stressed. I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of his problems coupled with mine, I think. I'm not sure. Hopefully I will be back to normal in a couple hours, because I have to work- lol.
